


kindness over talent.

by darkerholland



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: M/M, felix is hella insecure, kinda platonic but if you want them to be in a relationship you can totally read it like that, not about their romantic relationship, poor boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:35:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27373567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkerholland/pseuds/darkerholland
Summary: “Why did you choose me?”Chan sighed. “Because I saw the potential–”“No!” Felix sprung up from his chair. “You say that every time! But I know that’s a lie. You didn’t choose me because you saw any potential. You chose me because I reminded you of yourself when you first came to South Korea and you felt bad for me. You didn’t choose me for my abilities as an artist, you chose me out of pity."or; Felix is insecure and Chan doesn't understand.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Comments: 10
Kudos: 177





	kindness over talent.

Felix threw another glance at Chan from across the room. Dread settled in his stomach as he watched Chan throw his head back in loud laughter. Felix tried not to let it bother him and took another sip of his coffee, focussing on the passionate conversation his friends were having.

Chan, Jisung, Minho, Seungmin and Felix had agreed to meet up for coffee at one of their favourite cafés in downtown Gangnam, just a few blocks from the office. Despite them living together, they hadn’t spent a lot of quality time together due to conflicting schedules, so it was nice taking a little break from work and coming together like this.

About fifteen minutes after sitting down, a familiar face had walked into the café. Seungyeon had greeted them with his usual cheer and at first, Felix had been glad to see him.

Seungyeon was an ex-trainee under JYPE. He had left the company shortly before Stray Kids’ debut and Felix had been sad to see him go. They had always gotten along well and had shared a dorm room before Felix had moved into the Stray Kids dorm.

After a few minutes of casual small talk, Seungyeon had ordered coffee and sat down at a different table, waiting for his own friends. Apparently, Chan also knew _those_ people, so he had gone over to hello and hadn’t left since, sticking to the group like glue.

It hadn’t bothered Felix at first. Chan knew practically everyone in the industry, so it wasn’t uncommon for him to strike up a conversation with someone in a random store or café. Felix was used to it by now, so he had continued on with the conversation and not paid him any attention. But then Minho had jokingly pointed out that Chan liked spending time with them more than with his members, and though Felix had initially laughed along with everyone else, a feeling of unease had soon followed.

It was an old insecurity, something he thought he had overcome years ago already. He couldn’t get rid of the uncomfortable feeling in his stomach and none of the self-calming techniques he had learned were working right now.

“Are you okay?” Seungmin asked. He placed a worried hand on Felix’ back. “You look a bit pale.”

Felix nodded weakly. “I think the coffee badly affected my stomach. I don’t feel good.” He started collecting his stuff. “I think I’ll head back to the dorm.”

“Do you want us to come with you?” Jisung asked, already grabbing his bag. Felix waved their concern away.

“It’s okay, I’m okay. I’ll just have a lie-down and I’ll be fine in the evening. Nothing to fret over.” Felix managed a feeble smile, but judging from the looks on his friend’s faces, it wasn’t a very convincing one. “Really, guys, I’ll be okay. If anything happens along the way, I’ll call you.” He squeezed Minho’s shoulder and left the café, purposefully avoiding looking at the corner Chan was sat it. He chanced a quick look through the window once he had left the café, but Chan hadn’t noticed his absence. He was still focused on Seungyeon and his friends. The unsettling feeling in his stomach expanded until Felix felt like throwing up.

The dorm was quiet when he arrived. Changbin, Hyunjin and Jeongin were all out for the day. Felix didn’t realise how much the silence bothered him until he had been sitting in it for ten minutes, staring at his own reflection in the black tv screen. He wanted to slap himself for being so pathetic. Chan was allowed to have other friends. He was allowed to show happiness around people that weren’t Stray Kids.

But Felix insecurities had nothing to do with Chan’s friends or the fact that he had been laughing so hard with them. It was because of Seungyeon.

Felix hadn’t been in the original Stray Kids line-up. By the time he had started his training, the majority of the line-up had already been decided, and Felix hadn’t been in it for obvious reasons. But Seungyeon had been part of it. Until Chan had made a last-minute decision to switch him out for Felix, and suddenly Felix was preparing for the survival show.

Rumours had started circulating in the company that same night. Felix had supposedly begged Chan for a spot in the group. He had manipulated the sweet and caring producer to switch him out. Felix had only started training there a few weeks ago. He was nowhere near being ready to debut. So what else, other than dirty tricks, could it be? The other trainees and even some of the staff had started turning against him, especially after Seungyeon left the company soon after that. Everyone had loved Seungyeon.

Felix sighed and got up from the sofa to grab a drink. Getting away from Chan and the situation had already helped to calm his anxieties. He didn't know how he was going to face Chan when he would eventually come home, but he thought lying under a blanket pretending the world didn't exist would be a good beginning.

While he was seemingly too worried about the whole situation, he still managed to fall asleep, even with the sun shining through his bedroom window. He woke up a few hours later to a dark view, groggy and confused about what time it was. The sun had been replaced by the moon and a million stars decorated the night sky.

The dorm wasn’t entirely devoid of sound. He heard the harsh clicking of a computer keyboard in the next room, the soft volume of the tv in the living room, and the regular sounds of a kitchen being utilised. Felix creaked open the door and was met with Minho’s figure in the kitchen. His back was turned to Felix as he was grabbing something from the fridge, but he still sensed his presence.

“You feeling any better?” he asked, half of his body still in the fridge.

“A bit.” Felix rubbed his arms to warm himself up. “Why didn’t you wake me?”

Minho snorted and emerged from the fridge. “You looked like you needed the sleep. Go tell Jisung you’re awake. He’s been wanting to play Mario Kart all afternoon, but I wouldn’t let him because I was sure his loud screaming would disturb you.”

Felix smiled. “Thanks, I appreciate the concern.”

“And while you’re at it, text Chan to come home soon. If he wants dinner he’ll have to hurry.”

Felix frowned. “Chan isn’t home?”

Minho shook his head. “He went to the studio with Seungyeon.”

Felix’ stomach dropped and he felt the panic ebb in again. Chan hadn’t come home with the others. He’d gone to the studio to work. With Seungyeon. He forced himself to blink the sudden tears away.

“Felix?” Minho asked. “Did you hear me? Can you text Chan?”

“Yeah, I’ll text him.” Felix pulled out his phone and opened Chan’s contact. There were no unread messages. He hadn’t even been concerned about Felix.

_Minho says that if you want dinner you’ll have to be home soon._

Felix shouted a quick ‘I’m awake’ to the living room, which was followed by a whooping sound from Jisung, and then started helping Minho with the cooking. He mindlessly followed Minho’s instructions and peeled the potatoes and onions. His mind kept wandering to Chan. He couldn’t help getting the image of him and Seungyeon sitting in the studio, working on music, just like old times.

His phone buzzed and Felix tried to put the peeler down slowly. His heart beat rapidly in his chest as he opened the text.

_I’m already having dinner with Seungyeon. Don’t wait up._

Felix let out an audible gasp. “Is that Chan?” Minho asked, a knife still in his hand. “What did he say? Is he coming soon?”

Felix shook his head and cleared his throat. “Uh – he says – uh – that he’s having dinner with Seungyeon and that we don’t have to wait for him.”

Minho shook his head and clacked his tongue disappointingly. “He told me he was craving a homemade dinner and now he doesn’t even show up. I won’t cook for him again. At least there will be more for us.”

Felix felt the sudden urge to get away from everyone. “Actually, I think I’ll go outside for a walk. I’m not really hungry.”

“Are you sure? You still look a bit pale.”

“It’s okay. I just need some fresh air.”

“Well, alright then, but wear a scarf. It’s cold out.”

The autumn wind blew in Felix’ face as he stepped outside. He tied the scarf a little tighter around his neck and buried his face in the soft material. He didn’t even really want to walk around. He didn’t know what he wanted to do or where he wanted to go, but his feet did. They carried him to JYPE headquarters without him even realising. He stopped in front of the building and considered turning around again, but then he spotted a familiar figure walking his way.

Chan was looking down at his phone, but any moment now, he would look up and see Felix standing at the entrance. It looked like Felix was waiting for him. Suddenly, Felix realised he _was_ waiting for Chan.

Chan approached the building and looked up from his phone, one hand already outstretched to push the door open. It fell back to his side when he saw Felix standing just a little to the side, his face covered by the scarf and a beanie, his hands deep in his pockets.

“Felix?” Chan asked confusedly. “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at home?”

Felix shrugged and didn’t say anything. He didn’t exactly know the answer to those questions. He didn’t know what he was doing here, and he really should have been at home, where it was warm and comfortable, instead of out in the cold.

“Let’s go inside,” Chan said eventually, after it became apparent Felix wasn’t going to answer his questions. “I’m going to do a bit more work before I head home.”

“Where’s Seungyeon?” Felix asked, and he hated how bitter he sounded. If Chan picked up on the edge in his voice, he didn’t show it.

“He went home after dinner.”

They entered the elevator and Chan pressed the button for the fifth floor. He was still busy on his phone, urgently texting someone. Felix cast a quick side glance at his phone and was unpleasantly unsurprised to see Seungyeon’s name.

“Why aren’t you at home?” Chan asked again as they settled down in the studio. Chan sat down in his usual chair but didn’t open his laptop, swirling around to face Felix. Felix knew they were about to have a serious conversation. Normally, Chan did everything while multitasking. He was always glued to his laptop screen. Felix didn’t feel like having a conversation just because _Chan_ wanted to have one.

“I wanted to go out for a walk. I didn’t feel so well earlier today so I had a nap. Just wanted some fresh air, you know?” Felix said, leaning back into the chair to feign casualness.

Chan nodded. “Seungmin said you left early because you didn’t feel good.”

Felix hummed. “Yes, I was actually feeling quite sick. But you didn’t notice. You were too busy.” Well, there went any chance at casualness. _Well done, mate_ Felix thought to himself. He was behaving childishly, he knew he was, but he couldn’t help it.

Chan arched an eyebrow at Felix’ comment. “Anything you want to say to me?”

Felix looked around the room. “No, not really.”

“I think you do.”

“Oh? You know better than me what’s going on inside my own head?”

“I know when something’s bothering you.” Chan leaned over backwards into his chair, mirroring Felix’ position, crossing his arms over his chest. “I’ve got all night.”

“Are you sure you don’t need to meet up with Seungyeon?” Felix spat out, unable to keep his words to himself.

“So this is about Seungyeon?” Chan regarded him with an observing look. “Why? I thought you liked Seungyeon.”

“I do,” Felix said quietly, all the bite from his previous comment gone.

“Then why do you spit out his name like it’s poison on your tongue?”

Felix folded his hands together and avoided looking Chan in the eye, staring at the ground instead. How could he share what was bothering him when the reason sounded pathetic, even in his own head? Felix didn’t want to say anything, but he knew Chan wouldn’t let him leave until they had talked it out.

“Do you regret switching Seungyeon out for me?” Felix looked at him without moving his head. Chan was leaning forward, a serious but impassive look in his eyes.

“Why would you ask me that?” He sounded genuinely angry.

“Because Seungyeon is talented.”

“And you are not?”

Felix shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Felix,” Chan started. “It was Seungyeon’s own choice to leave the line-up. You know that.” He did know that, but it didn’t help the anxious feeling in his stomach.

Though Seungyeon loved singing, he had decided a career as an idol didn’t suit him. He left willingly, and Chan had jumped at the chance to recruit Felix. Felix, desperate to prove himself to his peers and parents back in Australia, had accepted immediately. But along the road, he had realised the consequences of his actions. He had needed to work harder than anyone else to even make it to the final line-up for the survival show, and even then it had been a close call.

“After Seungyeon left, people started saying I had somehow forced you into choosing me. They said I was an unhealthy influence.”

Chan combed a hand through his hair. “I told you not to listen to the nonsense those people were spewing.” He leaned back in his chair again. “Why are you bringing this up again? It happened three years ago.”

“Why did you choose me?”

Chan sighed. “Because I saw the potential–”

“No!” Felix sprung up from his chair. “You say that every time! But I know that’s a lie. You didn’t choose me because you saw any potential. You chose me because I reminded you of yourself when you first came to South Korea and you felt bad for me. You didn’t choose me for my abilities as an artist, you chose me out of pity,” Felix finished, suddenly exhausted. It had been weighing on his mind for a long time now, and it felt good to finally say it.

“Yes!” Chan said, equally as passionate. He leapt up from his chair. “I wanted to protect you from the pain I went through, but I would have never considered you as a potential member if I thought you weren’t talented enough.”

“And what’s my skill then, Chan?” Felix threw his hands up. “I can’t sing. I can’t keep a flow like Changbin or Jisung can. I don’t stand out while dancing. My deep voice? Is that the only thing I’ve got going for me? How long until people start getting tired of that?”

“What has gotten into you?” Chan yelled. Felix didn’t answer, so Chan went on in a more respectable volume. “If you really think you haven’t grown as an artist, then you’re blind.”

“It took me two hours to record my part for the new song! Two hours! Seungmin was out in twenty minutes.”

“Seungmin stayed late to practice the choreography because he couldn’t control his footwork for the new dance,” Chan said icily. Felix raised his eyebrows. He didn’t know that.

“No one in this group is good at _everything_ , Felix,” Chan said, fatigue creeping up in his voice. “Just because _you_ feel incompetent doesn’t mean we see it that way as well. You’ve grown so much more confident these past few months. Why are you suddenly doubting yourself like this again?”

Felix was as ashamed to admit it was because of the hate comments. A video of Felix singing live had resurged on the internet, and his vocals had been… less than flawless. He’d been sick that weekend and his breath control had still been weak. A bunch of people had left comments saying he shouldn’t have debuted with Stray Kids, that he was keeping his members from gaining success. There had only been a few hate comments, and more than enough positive comments to drown out the negative ones, but it had still gotten to him. Even three years after debut, he was still affected by every piece of hate directed towards him.

Felix explained it to Chan, his voice growing weaker with every word. He sounded ridiculous. He could see the disbelief appearing on Chan’s face, and he wanted nothing more than to be swallowed by the ground.

“Anyway, that’s the reason,” Felix finished. He grabbed his coat from the chair. “I’ll go home now.”

Chan grabbed his elbow. “Sit down,” he said softly, directing Felix towards the chair. Chan sat down in the other chair and rolled forward until Felix’ legs were in between Chan’s. He grabbed Felix’ hands and held them tight.

“We all have our strong points and weaknesses. But the good thing about being in a group is that we cancel each other out. Seungmin is a fantastic vocalist, but he sometimes struggles with the choreography. Changbin is a phenomenal rapper, but his singing voice isn’t well-trained enough for him to take on many singing parts in songs. I’m good at producing rap songs, but I’d rather let Changbin and Jisung do the actual rapping. Remember that the next time you feel down about yourself and your abilities, okay? If we were all perfect artists, why would we need to be in a group?”

“You’d do well outside a group as well,” Felix said softly.

“But I don’t want to be a solo artist. I chose Stray Kids, just like I chose every single one of you, because I didn’t only see skill, but I also saw good and warm-hearted individuals. And sometimes, kindness goes so much further than talent.”


End file.
